Googling "euphemisms for masturbation" is hours of entertainment.

Dating Miss Michigan

Exercising your right to privacy, Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money, Love’s labors lost, Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube…



Paddy: You could at least have the decency to close the door
    Television in background: …with all those Bible-beaters doin’ God-only-knows-what! They’d probably make me eat a live chicken!
Paddy: You’ve been at it so long you’ve gone blind m’boy. couldn’t even see it wasn’t me
Cat: I am so confused
    Television in background: Not on your first visit!
Narrator: an hour of explaining his teasing later
Cat: I’m not so sure I like you anymore
Paddy: You seemed to like me well enough earlier
    Television in background: Very good, Annelle! You’ve spoken like a true smart-ass!