I woke up, more like got out of bed and I started checking my email. My weekly Costco mailer was in and I actually looked at it. On special are a new brand of condoms. “ONE® Condoms Mixed Pleasures™ 40 Count – A New Generation Of Condoms” Aren’t Condoms supposed to prevent a new generation? It occurred to me that as a species, we have been using ‘condoms’ since at least Ancient Greece. So I had to look up to see what was considered ‘new’. Below is a list of things pretty much off the top of my head as I read the ad. IT DOES NOT FLOW LIKE AN ESSAY. it isn’t meant to.
“ONE® Condoms are a fusion of advanced product design and leading-edge manufacturing technology. Made with an advanced latex formulation called Sensatex, ONE® condoms are softer, smoother, clearer and purer, providing a safer and more pleasurable experience for both of you.”
advanced product design How? Is it no longer penis shaped? Does it have wings? Is it Kevlar? Teflon? Hrm, Teflon might be good…
leading-edge manufacturing technology What has this got to do with it? Who cares? So what if they Vacu-form each individual condom around a shinny sterilized surgical steal phalis. Personally, I’d rather not see the word ‘manufacturing’ on the box. From Wikipedia-“Manufacturing (from Latin manu factura, “making by hand”) is the use of tools and labor to make things for use or sale.” None of that is apealing in a condom. I should hope that I don’t need a condom when “making by hand”, and while the idea of making babies and selling them for profit is a good one, it just isn’t my thing. Too much up front costs.
Made with an advanced latex formulation called Sensatex Isn’t that computerized traction control on cars? That sounds like a good idea to me, They’re just putting it in the wrong spot. I need socks with Sensatrac, or better yet, bed sheets with sensatex.
softer, smoother, clearer and purer, Softer? what is it a knitted? Oh, OK I get it like sweater girls. I often wondered what it would be like to have breasts, just didn’t figure on them being attached there. Smoother I’m not to sure of either, I mean if they have ribbed and bumped, how can they be smoother? Clearer? New 1080p condoms the ultimate in HD technology. Why would you need them clearer? Or Purer for that matter? Is this to balance out the impure thoughts? “I really thought that Billy Goats were made for lovin'” Maybe they’re marketing them to priest.
providing a safer and more pleasurable experience for both of you Safer and more pleasurable than what? and what if there are more than ‘both of you’? do they cease to function if say you invite the Billy Goat over for 70’s night? Worse yet, will the Billy Goat be disappointed for lack of pleasure?
Featuring more than 120 vibrant designs on innovative round wrappers, ONE® is a truly interactive condom brand. New designs are submitted and voted on by people like you at ONECondoms.com
I’ve always found condoms to be ‘interactive’ and I REALLY doubt the ‘people like you’ part. At least as far as me personally. I would have have pictures of sharp teeth, fertility symbols, dead puppies, FSM or Lovecraft pictures… All though I did think the ‘lifesavers’ picture on the wrapper was pretty good, as well as the mating lions.
Mixed Pleasures™ – Explore the extremes of pleasure with a variety of sensational choices: Super Sensitive™, 576 Sensations™, Pleasure Dome™ and Color Sensations™. ONE® Condoms – A new generation of condoms for smart, safer and sex.
* Four styles of condoms for a variety of pleasurable experiences.
o Super Sensitive
o 576 Sensations
o Pleasure Dome
o Color Sensations
* Premium lubricant for comfort
* Every ONE® condom is individually, electronically tested for safety and reliability
Mixed Pleasures™ they they go inviting that damned Billy Goat again. If I really wanted mixed pleasures, I’d download more of it on the internet.
Explore the extremes of pleasure with a variety of sensational choices: I notice they don’t mention ‘both of you’ this time. Maybe they are good for ‘Rome’ night after all.
Four styles of condoms for a variety of pleasurable experiences.
Super Sensitive Comes with long hair in a pony tail and a cape.
576 Sensations including, but not limited too, numbness, tingling, burning, itching, watering, floating, shrinking, oozing, sniffling, sneezing, headachey, as well as the sensation that something is in your teeth.
Pleasure Dome I’m not sure about other guys, but I thought that was personally supplied. Is this something different? I certainly hope it has nothing to do with Tina Turner and Mel Gibson. Worse yet Destro from GIJoe. Though that would make a good wrapper.
Color Sensations There must be something (else) wrong with me. I get no sensation from color. Yellow Oooh, Tingly. Nope. Nothing there. Sorry hun.
Premium lubricant for comfort Must be because for the Sensatex technology.
Every ONE® condom is individually, electronically tested for safety and reliability By what? GLaDOS or Joshua. I think I would trust a robot first. After all they have no love for humans.
I beter go call my Dad and thank him for NOT choosing One.