I don’t have one. I haven’t really had one for over 15 years now, I have found them offensive for about 10. I should clarify that a bit. I don’t find the idea of them offensive on their own, but rather the idea that someone assumes I have one. It actually angers me a great deal for many reasons, none really having anymore weight than another. This is not to say that if you have a list, I find the idea offensive, I don’t. I understand fantasies, even sexual fantasies. I have some, they just all involve my wife. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with the lists in general, I’ve had one in the past, my wife has one currently. I think a lot of people have one of some sort. They are just not for me.
What the hell happened?
There was never a conscious decision to rid myself of the list. One day I just realized that there was no longer anyone on it. It sat like that for a while, then someone asked me who was on it and I told them no one. I think it very much would have stayed just an empty list at that point, but they pressed. They pressed hard. I think that they were even angry about it. Their volume certainly got louder. In hindsight, looking back on this again, I believe the situation was probably further exacerbated by the fact that I was at work, the person was not only a customer (who at that time had only been in twice) but was also a leader of his church. This stranger is calling me a liar and getting angry over a nonexistent thing, a concept. At that moment my only thoughts were that the guy was nuts, hyperactive, or mentally ill, and I need to get him out of the office. Since he made the whole thing into such a big deal, the scene repeatedly replayed in my head. I began to realize I was actually quite offended by the accusation. Sure, the fire & brimstone accusations were a bit much at that time, as I was still struggling with my beliefs. Yes, he did tell me I was going to hell for lying, it was that type of conversation. What I found more offensive than being called a liar was the hidden accusation that I would, and was expected to, cheat on my wife. Now compounding this to the facts that on numerous occasions afterwards I’d have other people ask how things are going with my wife because they were over at her office and either misheard or overheard something, thought someone else was her, or were told a flat out lie, and it really starts getting more offensive, and making you more angry. If I had no intention of being faithful, and spending the rest of my life with Melissa, I would not have asked her to marry me in the first place.
More importantly.
Now, I know the ‘list’ is a silly thing. It’s meant to be impossible. I get that. For me, there is more to it than just cheating on a spouse in a fantasy setting that would probably never happen. It’s more about power over someone. There is no one that should have that kind of power over anyone. If some famous person comes to my door, ask me on a date, or more, I’m supposed to jump at the chance? Why should they have anymore more power than the sword swallowing, nymphomaniac, particle physicist with ginger hair that no one has heard of but lives down the street? Well aside from the ginger hair. Why should we give anyone that kind of power? But we do. We have celebrities spouting nonsense and we listen, sometimes very dangerous nonsense (Jenny McCarthy) We let them tell us what cars to buy, what clothes to wear and what to eat. Not because they have any education in what they are spouting, but because they are a celebrity.
I will not let anyone have that kind of power over me. I made a promise. I intend to keep it. Does this mean I look down or think less of anyone that has a list?
No.
It is, and always will be a personal choice. There is only one person that I allow that much power over me. Conveniently it’s the same woman I made the promise to. I trust her to never abuse it. She hasn’t and I’m pretty sure she won’t. She also shouldn’t ever feel bad about her list, well, except for the one guy that was on it. He’s an arrogant asshole and no one should have to deal with two of them.
Now, all that being said, I do have a list. It is however a pick their brain over an extended dinner list. It’s quite long.